wishes

I wish that I had the time to write on this blog every single night because every day is so incredibly different, packed with different triumphs, different losses, different struggles, and different hopes for tomorrow. Unfortunately, I do not have that time and I wish that I could say I will soon become efficient enough but I know that I will not. The days and weeks fly by so quickly that I have come to bank upon that fact, when a day or a week is tough I know that it will be over so quickly and the only thing left for me to do is look back upon it and hope beyond hoping that I taught something that mattered. I have no idea what I am doing or how I am doing it. The only option is to merely accept that it is normal to suffer from the feeling of self-doubt in one's first year of teaching. No teacher anywhere has ever said that they felt completely in the know during their first year, let alone their first weeks. The benefit and simultaneous draw back of working in a charter school that operates very much as an interwoven team is that you are never allowed to make mistakes alone. I have made mistakes so far, many, and while it is beneficial that as soon as I made them there was someone there to tell me what I had done wrong, it is difficult to be so under the spotlight when it is inevitable that I am struggling at this point.

This week was difficult and wonderful. Our classroom was finally starting to function as a real class, with routines and true learning occurring, but our class management was little more than a mess. While firmness is not my natural strong suit, I am surprised at how tough I have become. I can now look a crying child in the face and tell them that they have 5 seconds to end the tears and return to their seat. But I am still not scary, and a little bit of fear never hurt anyone. Learning was not occurring like it should have been because so much time was wasted upon getting the attention of every student in the class, and it needed to change immediately. We have begun the process of toughening up and it is working and will continue to do so, however we are battling against unjust circumstances that prove to make classroom management much more difficult. Many of our students experience structure for the first time in school, and it is up to us to demonstrate for them the power of becoming invested in your own education. I have one student who is in and out of shelters, infrequently comes to school, and has led such an unstructured life that it is difficult for him to understand what it means. It is not his fault, but it indicates that there is work to be done. I have a student whose arm I found harsh purple bruises on this week, the same day when he transformed from my personal angel to a student who wrote "I hate myself" in his journal and rebelled against all of our activities. How am I qualified for this?

However, there is so MUCH to be done and so little space in my mind, so few hours in my day, and so few tasks that I can tackle at one time that attempting it all at once I have determined to simply be a bad idea. It would kill me and thus should not be the expectation. I do not think that the goal of Teach for America is to kill their corps members. Thus, I have found that it is healthier to approach this job with three mindsets:

1. I can learn and I will get better

2. I am not suppose to feel like I know what I am doing

3. Make great leaps by taking small steps

Attempting to utilize every strategy in the book in one day of class while establishing new systems for tracking mastery of student objectives, behavior charts, calls home, personal interventions, strategies for challenging kids, and all that there is to think about is simply impossible. Therefore, I have decided to set small goals, one a day, that I can tackle and know that I am heading in a positive direction. This is very TFA of me.

Last Friday I set the goal of being consistent with my consequences across students and offenses, which will assist me in gaining the trust of the students. Tomorrow, my goal is to increase the pace of my lessons. Tuesday, I must take notes during my guided reading sessions about each child. Each of these small steps are things that I feel confident that I can manage, and thus while alone they made little difference, together they will lead me to become a better teacher.

It is a very good thing that I love my students and my job, for it is taxing, and that alarm sounds frighteningly early. But I have found a place that eventually I hope I can feel confidently a part of. The reason I know that I can make it is that even after the longest day, when I have caused tears in the eyes of six children (Friday, for example) they never get me down. We move on together and hopefully towards an even better place.