Don't Give Up

I wonder if I am struggling more than others here. Others are excited, or scared of not securing a position in this tough market. Some are already contemplating quitting. Some seem less than committed, some extremely determined. I struggle with feeling so much that during the days it is easier allow my mind only to absorb. By only listening without further processing, I feel only inspiration from the message I am hearing. At night, when seminars finish, sessions close, and the name tag comes off, every thought put on hold for the day floats to the surface, and the overwhelmingness manifests itself in my chest and in confusion. I am scared of everything. I am scared of my relationship failing, of leaving behind my friendships, of the pressure of this task, of beginning to teach in 11 days. To calm all of these emotions, I decide to commit 100% of myself and my time to my work and student achievement. I then become scared that I won't be as good or as strong or as successful in the classroom as I want to be. There really is no way out of this fear.

And once I decide to commit everything to my life as a teacher, I worry that I won't remember everything I have learned to lead me to be my best. So, I have taken to writing everything down. Here is what I learned today:

"We're smarter because we work harder."

"Laugh. Find laughter."

"Don't give up."

"Have humility."

"Partner with parents."

"Work hard but don't work alone."

"There is nothing more profound on student achievement than their classroom teacher."

"I don't speak when you are speaking because I respect you, do you respect me?"

"That was a hot essay."

"If you're not crying every day, you're not doing it right."

Though perhaps I may have not cried yesterday, I still have 3 out of 4 days on my side. Yet the tears raise questions. What is it about this experience that is so taxing on my mind and my heart? What do I want to come of these two years? What kind of teacher will I be? Will I be strong? Will I be relentless? Will I be as successful as I strive to be? Should I be doing something differently? How will I learn to be phenomenal in the classroom? How long will it take? Will this experience get easier? Will all my current struggles get easier? Will I miss my comforts less soon? My relationship and my friendships? Will I soon see this place as my new home? Will I be able to fulfill my goals?

These questions bring tears and strain, but I do not push them away. I know that what is necessary to success in this adventure is humility. The answer is no, I will not be good. Not immediately, I must ask for and seek support and help, in all my current walks of life. My relationship, my future classroom, my friendships, my apartment seeking. I am scared of everything, but I am glad for it, for it will make me try harder. But that doesn't change the fact that I am scared of everything.