It's beginning to look a lot like institute!

Institute has officially arrived. There are now over 500 TFA corps members living at St. John's University from the Tulsa, Newark, Connecticut, and New York regions soon to embark on their last full night's sleep before institute begins. The countless stories I have heard tell of the terror, the sleepless nights, the crying, and the breaking of each TFA corps member's hopeful souls. Sadly I have heard none told of significant gains made or wonderful times had, but I know that is not because they did not occur. I prefer to assume that the only people telling stories are the pessimists, and I have thus decided to ignore every story I have heard thus far and experience the next five weeks with only my own set of expectations. I expect to find out what I am made of in the classroom, and what it takes to be great. I expect to be tired but purposeful. I expect to be drained but for good reason. I expect to be scared but rewarded. I expect to have a gallon sized glass of red wine on my last night.

The evening began with olympic -like Opening Ceremonies honoring the start of Institute. Though I truly hoped for ribbon dancers, I was forced to settle for a speech from Wendy Kopp, the founder of Teach for America, who first illustrated her vision in her undergraduate thesis and was only my age when she made it a reality. And I thought I was cool. She reminded us that we are not alone, there are 4100 first year corps members in 35 regions across the country. In New York alone, there are now 850 corps members, and when joined with an alumni group of over 7,000, New York City Teach for America corps members have affected the lives of over 50,000 students. Today I joined a powerful movement to close the achievement gap, and like Teach for America trains us to practice in our classrooms, there will be no excuses.

I learned today that beginning next monday, I will be teaching 6th grade math for four weeks to students in need of remediation. If I fail at this task before me, many of these students will not move on to the 7th grade. And nobody wants that on their shoulders. Whereas in my college courses, I may have read my assigned readings either because it was required of me to pass a test or write a paper, there are no tests or papers in Teach for America. There is only being a great teacher. A book well over a thousand pages was slapped into my hands today, and I intend to read every word, not because it is required to pass but because it is required for me to stand up to this role that I have chosen. It is required to be a leader in the classroom and to make significant gains in 6th grade math. And it is, admittedly, a little bit required to pass. Though I signed a contract, I seem to remember a clause that said something like "We can still fire you."

A comforting thing about the Teach for America application process is that I am surrounded by people very similar to me (fabulous people, which goes without saying.) But people that are similar, as it follows, have similar anxieties, and in the case of Teach for America Institute, similar freak outs. Each time I voice a concern, that I am questioning my abilities, that I want to succeed, or that I am lonely, there is someone here who shares my finally spoken fears. I spent the entire evening with goosebumps of inspiration and team spirit. Tonight, an alumni stated before a nervous crowd something that she felt helped her survive. It is a statement which I remind myself of a hundred times a day, each time that I question my future, but mostly when I miss my darling boyfriend:

"Remember why you came here in the first place. Keep your eyes on the prize."

I figure if this young alumni, now a founding principal of a charter school in Brooklyn, could have once shared my anxieties, my nerves, my goals, and my powerful desire for success in the classroom, and still survived with the help of that simple reminder, then I will tattoo it on my forehead.

And now, on the eve of what feels like going off to war, I will go to Sleep for America. But I will end with the last statement I scribbled on my program tonight:

"Each day I strive to be the memory of a lifetime. They are why I Teach for America."