Under Pressure

Today was the end of Induction Week. The New York City 2009 Institute begins Sunday morning, a time of expedited teacher training, intense personal deconstruction, and a time when the only option is to put your money where your mouth was on your application. I have heard this experience described as one so overwhelming, so horrific, and so stressful that corps members have prayed that stray trucks on the Brooklyn Queens Express end it all. But I am excited. It is time to find out what I am made of in the classroom, what must be done in order to become the kind of teacher that I aim to be. Yet the kind of teacher that I aim to be is a great one, one that leads children to invest in themselves and their future, and the pressure of that goal is large. Perhaps too large. I am beginning to see that I need to let myself become that teacher, and while certainly keeping that goal in mind, not let it push me down instead of build me up. I am putting so much pressure on myself to be successful in every endeavor I am a part of at this time that it may keep me from being who I am and instead force me to be who I expect myself to be. I will remove the pressure I have put upon making my relationship work, although that will not remove the sadness. I will remove the pressure I have put upon being the best teacher in NYC, though that will not remove my inspiration.

Today as a closing reflection, we were asked to write a letter of motivation to ourselves. A letter which our program director will give to us when he sees that we are in the most need of our own dose of inspiration. As I finished writing mine, I realized that I am already in need of my own inspiration, thus before sealing the envelope I reread the letter. I told myself to believe in my abilities. I told myself to take some of the weight off my shoulders and let myself be great. I told myself to remember why I have chosen this path, why I left my friendships and my home, and that I believe in this cause. I told myself to remember the potential of myself and my students, and remember not only to have relentless pursuit, but to have relentless faith in myself. I told myself to remember all that I have overcome. I told myself to ask for help, to check pride at the door, to seek development, and to have confidence in myself.

Now I have had enough time to think. I am tired of thinking, I am ready for action.